My Fun Stuff Page

" NEW Updated Jokes Updated Saturday OCTOBER 18th

Prior Update December 24th 2005

At 2:24 AM

I am so sorry that I hadn't Updated this Page with

New Jokes till today. I have Ben Soooo Busy with

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A 3 Year Old Boy Approached a Pregnent woman in
while waiting with his mother in the doctors
office.
Why Is Your Tummy so Big: he asked
She smiled and Replied," I am having a Baby"
With Big Wide Eyes He Asked,
"Is the Baby In Your Tummy?"
"He Shure Is"
Is He a Good Baby?
"Oh He Is a Verry Good Baby"
"Then WHY Did You Eat Him?"

picking up clothes from the floor in her Son's room
A Mother finaly Laid down the law: each item of clothing
she had to pick up would cost her sun a Quarter. By the
end of the week, He owed Her $1.50
She received the money promptly alomg with a 50 cent
tip and a Note wich Read "Thanks Mom,
Keep Up the Good work."

_____________________________________________________________

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake
Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job
and both applicants having the same qualifications
were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon com-
pletion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for
your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee
the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him
the job? We both got nine questions correct. This
being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I
should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on
the correct answers, but rather on the one question
that you both missed.

"Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect
answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On
question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know."
You put down, "Neither do I."

______________________________________________________________

The Coffee Cup and The Technician

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and
I am within my warranty period. How do I go about
getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped,
it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a
promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup
holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this
point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped
it off the drive.

Tie me up

The other day a man came home and was greeted by his
wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding
a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went fishing.

_____________________________________________________________________

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't
be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth
shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep
your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get
my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat
belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did
you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child?
A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied, "My wife's first husband."

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the
priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then
tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the
confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious,
Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers,
and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

- - - - - - - - - -

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to
heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter.
Around the gates there was a collection of lights and
bells.

St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each
have to answer a question before they could enter through
the pearly gates.

St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the
garden of Eden?"

1st nun : "Adam and Eve"

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through
the pearly gates.

St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"

2nd nun : "An apple"

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through
the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun.

St. Peter : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard
one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went
through the pearly gates!

- - - - - - - - - - -

During a blizzard, a parishioner of a Milwaukee parish was
in a bad accident near Green Bay. The priest and nun from
Milwaukee were driving up to the hospital where the victim
was staying, in case last rites were necessary.

As they were driving, the storm got worse and worse. Finally,
they decided they would have to stop for the night because
the roads were so bad. The only motel they could find was
already full of stranded travelers. The clerk told the
priest, "Since you are a priest and all, I will give you a
room for the night, but I just can't give you each a sep-
arate room, you will have to make do with two beds in one
room." The priest thanked him and paid for the room.

During the night, the power went out, and the heat went out
with it. Luckily, there were a lot of blankets is the
closet. After a while, the nun asked, "Father, father, I'm
cold." So the priest got another blanket and put it on her.

After a while longer, she said, "Father, I'm cold, can you
get me another blanket," so he did. After a little while
longer, she again asked for a blanket. This time the priest
responded, "I think in this situation we should pretend to
be husband and wife in order to keep warm."

The nun was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate,
but he was the priest, so she really couldn't argue. She
said, "O.K., Father, if you are sure it’s proper we can
pretend to be husband and wife," to which the priest
responded: "Now get up and get your own damn blanket, woman!"

- - - - - - - - - -

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.......

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as
she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on
his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......... smack his ass again!!!"

AirPort Security Scanner, Run Your Mouse over the
person and see what this new security scanner Picks up:

Click On the $100 Dollar Bill Gif below and drag
your mouse over the picture to see an example of
how the device functions.

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare
afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took
a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and
said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you
keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round
continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The
usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John,
God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing
like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and
misses again.. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of
lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister
Marie dead in her tracks.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as DaddyO,
LaddyO and the Holy spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that
always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close
to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that
really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot
revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever
is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every
chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories
about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit
whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until
you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy
ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask?
Because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest
friends, then get depressed because you can only think of
two, and one of them isn't speaking to you anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good
friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever
need to bring a shovel.

Sky.com is reporting that Former US president Bill Clinton
has been offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter by a
love-struck African government official.

Mr. Clinton was offered the deal on a recent trip to Kenya.

He was offered the animals as a traditional African way
of getting a father to give away his daughter in marriage. The dowry is a very generous one by the country's own standards.

There is no word on whether Mr. Clinton is considering
the offer. But still, hey, 40 goats!

No Offer with Cigars though

Rude Parrot

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat,
only to realise that the occupant of the
seat next to him is a parrot. The plane
takes off and after some minutes a stewardess
approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?"
she asks the man".
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please,
when you have a minute. Thank you".

"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.

"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make
it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with
the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a
word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered
a coffee".

"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight
away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.

"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart.
Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink
and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the
only way he is going to get any service is to adopt
the attitude of his fellow passenger.
"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the
stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it
now, you cow!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this
time with two enormous security guards, who proceed
to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of
the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles
up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of
a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy
Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone
Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will
grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond
woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the
Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still
kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver
is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought
to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!

Recently I received a warning about the use of this
politically incorrect term, so please note, we all
need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate
our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called
"Towel Heads", since the item they wear on their heads
is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded
sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them
as "Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this
delicate matter.

- - - - - - - - - -

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their
foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to
do with their religion. The true story has just been
revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.

When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night
the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has
won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or
a motel in Florida.

Ok, so every now and then you have to clean your computer screen.
But, what about the inside of screen, how do you clean that ??

Fortunately, there is now a website that does this remotely at no
Cost to you.

First, clean the outside of your screen and then click the link below
to clean the inside.
CLICK ON THE PICTURE BELOW TO DOWNLOAD
THE INSIDE YOUR SCREEN CLEANER :

Learn all the facts about Your Birth Date
with the Birthday calculator:

CLICK ON THE PICTURE BELOW TO HAVE THE
WIZARD CALCULATE ALL THE FACTS ABOUT YOUR
BIRTHDATE

«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤
Did You find anything Intresting ? ? ?
«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤

PLAY MINI CLIP GAMES HERE
NEW GAMES ADDED EVRY DAY
CLICK THE PICTURE BELOW TO PLAY

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping
floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzerias. Now that he is wealthy he decides to have a huge house designed and built for him... And it is going to have everything!

One day he is talking to the contractor and says, "Make a
you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I
wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even
da bathroom."

The contractor assumes his client is very religious and
carefully plans a niche in every room. He even personally
searches for the perfect statue for each niche.

Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through
his new home for the first time. The contractor points out
all the features, and finally the Italian man says, "But
wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa halo statues!"

The contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a statue in every room, like you asked."

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da
Saintas. I wanna da halo statues! You knowa da halo statues
es? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, 'halo, stat you?'"

Q. What's the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden?
A. Osama is a dead man!

Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
A. They both blew a power structure!!

To catch Osama Bin Laden, Grandpa sez:
Spray Afghanistan with Viagra and the little prick will pop up!

Q. Why does Osama Bin Laden collect goat shit?
A. Because it's a great growing culture for anthrax, and it makes terrific deodorant.

Q. Why did Osama fire Martha Stewart?
A. She was unable to find fabric that went with stalagmites.

Q. What do you call a Taliban with a goat and a sheep?
A. Bisexual.

Q. Why did the Taliban school alternate Sex Education classes with Drivers Ed.?
A. They only had one camel.

Q. What's another name for the DaisyCutter bomb?
A. The TaliWhacker.

Q. Why do the Taliban wear robes?
A. A goat can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q. Know what the Taliban do for fun?
A. Sit around and get bombed

Osama Bin Laden never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Bill Clinton.

Q. What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
A. Duck!!

Q. Why do they call the camel Q. "the ship of the desert?"
A. Because it's full of Arab semen!

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need
of a restroom facility. But each time he
tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament,
suggested he use the attendant's ladies room,
but cautioned him not to press any of the
buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four
buttons marked:
WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of
not listening to a woman, he disregarded
what she said when his curiosity
got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and
immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water
sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought
"Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the
WA button and body temperature Warm Air
blew across his wet bottom and dried
it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women
take so long in the bathroom with these
kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with
anticipation. A soft disposable Powder
Puff swung below him and
dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as
he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine
was just wearing off... confused he buzzed
the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was
intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been
having a great time until you pushed the
Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Toad Spangled Banner For Memorial Day!
CLICK THE PICTURE BELOW TO SEE THIS FLASH

CHECK THIS OUT......DO YOU LIKE TO PAY TAXES???
If You Don't enjoy paying Taxes Click Below

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other.
Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are,
so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first."

The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton
tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..." The rabbit
says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"

Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long
and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue...
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer!"

15 Reasons Why Beer Is Better than Women
Click the picture Below to see this Beer Flash

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to
an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.

****************************************************

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious
by the chair lift. He called his insurance company
from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance
rep said, "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that
a pre-existing condition."

***************************************************

Conversation between two young women:

"I hear you broke your engagement to Joe. What happened?"

"Oh, it's just that my feelings toward him aren't the same."

"Are you returning his ring?"

"Oh, no! My feelings toward the ring haven't changed a bit!"

********************************************************

From the bulletin of the Church of the Incarnation in Sarasota,
Florida: "The Magic of Lassie, a film for the whole family,
will be shown Sunday at 5 p.m. in the church hall.
Free puppies
given to all children not accompanied by parents."

**********************************

*NEW!* Name That Tuna! Starring Jessica Simpson!
Click On the picture beklow to see this funny
FLASH

View an Out Take From a Popen
Fresh Cookie Dough Commercial
Click The picture Below

" NEW " Be A Homer Simpson Today
Click the picture Below to See
This Great Flash Movie

"NEW"******* FROG LOAN *******
CLICK the Picture Below to
see this comical flash movie

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into
a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first
Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big
juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold
tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday
of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the
neighborhood men got together and decided
that something had to be done about John,
he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday
of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a
Catholic. They went over and talked to him
and were so happy that he decided to join all
of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They
took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled
some water over him, and said, "You were born
a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist,
and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest
Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's
Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of
Lent came, and just at supper time, when the
neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish
dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill
came wafting through the neighborhood.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and
decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he
had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John
standing over his grill with a
small pitcher of water. He was
sprinkling some water over his
steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were
raised a cow, and now you are
--------- A "fish."---------

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.
As she stood in front of St.Peter at the
Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him...She asked, "What are all those clocks"

St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every
time you lie the hands on your clock will move.

Said Hillary ,"Who's clock is that?"

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

Who's clock is that?

That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have only moved twice,
telling us that Abe only told 2
lies in his entire life.
He said he was Honest Abe from
Illinois--"He was from Kentucky"

Where's Bill's clock? Hillary asked.

Bill's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day
reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we
get old & feeble. I have acertained that I can
get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around
$65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer,
food (room service),laundry, gratuities and
special TV movies

They have a swimming pool, a
workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all
have free shampoo and soap.

Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they
have a free breakfast, though you usually have
to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There
may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor
room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into
decent nursing homes.

There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus
(if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van,cabs,
and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the
Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.

The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over,
they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip,
the American Way is to sue. What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.

So:
When I reach the Golden age
help me keep my grin
Just check my old rickety ass
into the nearest Holiday Inn.

An IRISH CONFESSIONAL WITH
TOMMY SHOAUNHASSY
To See this Funny Falsh Click
on the Dancing Leprichaun Below

***THE ULTIMATE MORON TEST***

Do others Consider you a Moron?
Click Below to take the Moron Test

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and left her, hoping she would
be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set
her in a chair at a window overlooking a
lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to
catch her and straighten her up. Again she
seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought
her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the
old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating
you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart."

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized
for every conceivable deficiency of the
modern world, real or imaginary.?
We know we take responsibility for
all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would
like to point out that it was NOT
the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who
eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and
interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism,
and remember those who have fought
and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know
the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their
eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand
at attention, on Veterans Day and
our great country's birthday .

A couple was sitting in church. The man was sleeping
and his wife was knitting. The priest asked:
"Who created the Earth and man?"

The woman poked the man with her knitting needle,
and the man screamed, "GOD!"

The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle,
he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"

Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did
Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more
time and I'm going to rip it off!"

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers -
which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a
strange coincidence. A few months later the father
put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which
went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy
and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.

My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact
with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed
the dad heard her say, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night
and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in
and watched the clock. He figured if he could get
by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in
the office, so instead of going home at the end of
the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking
at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally
midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief
and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen
you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just
spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never
believe what happened to me. This morning the
mailman dropped dead on our porch."

Mattel recently introduced the "Harry Potter Broomstick".
It's a battery-powered toy that resembles the flying
Nimbus 2000 brooms from the Harry Potter movies. For
added effect, the broom makes "flying noises" and vibrates.

After a while on the market, concerned parents noticed
that mostly young girls seemed to enjoy the toy -
especially the vibrating part...

Here are some of the customer reviews from the
Toys R Us website:

Reviewer: A toy enthusiast from NJ
This toy was #1 on my daughter's Christmas list.
So what the heck, although it has no educational
value I figured it would be good for imaginative
play. It wasn't until after she opened her gift
and started playing with it that I realized that
the toy may offer a more than sensational experience.
The broomstick has cute sound effects and
***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their
legs to fly. Come on---what were the creators
of this toy thinking? She'll keep playing with
the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed.

Reviewer: Ashley from TX
My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan,
and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I
decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she
would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES
this toy. Even my daughter's friends enjoy
playing with this fun toy. I was surprised
at how long they can just sit in her room and
play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for
any Harry Potter fan! :)

Reviewer: A toy enthusiast from Maine, USA
I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He's a
HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times
(in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy
gives him the ability to fly around the house
zapping things. My only problem I see with
the toy is the batteries drain too fast and
his sister fights him over it, so now I need
to buy her one.

Reviewer: poola13 from Ohio
When my 12 year old daughter asked for this
for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she
was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE
it. Her friends love it too! They play for
hours in her bedroom with this great toy.
They really seem to like the special
effects it offers (the sound effects
and vibrating). My oldest daughter
(17) really likes it too!
I reccomend this for all children.

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a
penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever
you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall
personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy,
"I'll kiss its butt and let it go"

There were four country churches in a small Alabama town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist
Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun
with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide
what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
consideration they determined that the squirrels were
predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
with God's divine will.

In the Methodist Church the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the
baptistery. The elders met and decided to put a
large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it.
The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice
as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.

But -- the Baptist Church came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the Church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her
all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and
simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping.

Her phone rang and, to her astonishment,
it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it!

It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell,
but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today,
and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the
alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D,
but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today,
and when we were showering, all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, large fries,
and a diet Coke.

Only in America...
do banks leave both doors to the vault open
and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.

Only in America...
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America...
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next
to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept
bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of
intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10
to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could
not answer one of his questions, she owed
him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers,
he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could
not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between
the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00.
then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3
legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours,
looking up everything he could on his laptop and even
placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to
find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he
gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment,
but the lawyer insisted,
"What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But now that you mention it, it is possible that he
could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

(Note: I had on just like this
,,,,wish I had been smart and kept it

I know some of you are not old enough to remember but
this email below was put together in a great way, hope
you enjoy it.

Remember this?

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the
way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks
groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going
to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about
charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will
be able to hire outside help at the store."

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought
gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be
better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts
make itimpossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know,
boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damnin
"Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either
hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks
it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some fellows they call
astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just
signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play
ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they
will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric. They are even making
electric typewriters now"

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.
I see where a few married women are having to work
to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to
have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing
the best people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but
Iseriously doubt they will ever catch on."

(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for
a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day
in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and
looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking
dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never
ask a woman what her age is." "Why not?" demanded
Jenny. "Because it isn't polite. You'll understand
better when you grow up." Jenny thought about it
for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do
you weigh?"

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question
you ask people." "Why not?" "Because it's not
polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh.
You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get
divorced?" "Darling," her mother replied with a
sigh, "That's something that's still very painful
for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now.
I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about
the conversation with her mother. The other little
girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get
a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all
the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's
purse when she got home, and looked over her
license, examining it carefully. That evening,
she went back into the kitchen and announced,
"I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"

Her mother looked down at her, surprised.
"And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny.
"You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you
learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled
and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got
a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"

Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

A couple drove their car to K-Mart. Their car broke
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
go on with the shopping while he fixed the car there
in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small
group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the
man was in shorts, they had ridden up his legs,
and his lack of underpants had turned his private
parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his
shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband
who was standing idly by. The poor mechanic
under the car had to have three stitches
in his head.

The Montana State Department of Fish
and Wildlife is advising golfers
to take extra precautions and be
on the alert for bears while in the
Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark
National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing
devices such as little bells on their clothing
to alert, but not startle the bears
unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry
pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch for signs of
bear activity.

Golfers should be able to
recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and
contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings
have bells in them and smell like
pepper spray.

Little Adam was sitting in class one day.
All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Adam, that is NOT
the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence
correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Adam thinks for a bit, then says,
"You're an eight, but if you would let
me go piss, you'd be a ten!!!"

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first
prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair,
April 26. He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to alarmists
practicing junk science and spreading
fear of everything in our environment.
In his project, he urged people to sign
a petition demanding strict control or
total elimination of the chemical

"dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component in acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the
chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided,
and only one knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was,

"How Gullible Are We?".

He feels the conclusion is obvious

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.

The small one turns to the big one and says,
"I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids ...
I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.

Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.

See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a
lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase...

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat
in his life science classroom, staring at a
question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble
whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a
fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more,
he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed
again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He Received an A on this Exam

When I went to lunch today, I noticed
an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and
asked her what was wrong. She said,
"I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes,
sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup
for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to
me for half the afternoon".

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a
gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes
love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world
would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus
in front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close
and completely tore the door off of the driver's
side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell
phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman
pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions,
the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus,
which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting
and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust
and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,
" he said. "You are so focused on your possessions
that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm
is missing from the elbow down? It must have been
torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately
they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and
fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told
him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked
beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles
to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by
the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of
baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving
home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the
blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and
the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight
to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like
a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then,
she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded
her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room,
she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone
farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked,
and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to
wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one
of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "Bubba is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says,

"OK, now what?"

A Woman and a Man are both
involved in a car accident...

Neither are hurt, but their cars are
smashed up.

After they crawl out of their cars,
The woman says; "So you're a man - That's
interesting. I'm a woman..."

"...Our cars are completely demolished,
yet neither of us are hurt! This must be a sign
from God!"

The man replied; "Oh yes, I completely agree
with you. This must be some sort of sign!"

The woman continued; "And look, here's another
miracle. My car is completely smashed, yet this
bottle didn't even break! How about a drink to
celebrate our good fortune?"

The man nods and drinks half the bottle,
then passes it back to her.

The woman simply puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

"Aren't you
going to have a drink?" Asked the man.

To which the woman replies;
"No thanks. I think I'll just wait for the
cops to show up!"

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker
you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew;
your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is,
but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman -
Neither one works.

Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing
when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it
are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd,
take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness
to a critter or to a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around,
be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag
is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

* Unknown Cowboy *

I Don't Pee On My Shoes

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and
asked for a prescription of Viagra.

The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4,
but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right.
I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over
90 years old. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

A man was mowing the grass in his front yard when his female neighbor came out of her house and went straight
to her mailbox.

She opened it, slammed it shut and stormed back to her house.

5 minutes later she rushed to her mailbox, peered inside,
screamed angrily and slammed it shut once more.

As she marched angrily back to her house the guy asked if there was something wrong.

"I'll say there is" she snapped back. My stupid computer keeps telling me ...

"You've got mail"

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AIN'T REAL BRIGHT??

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift
for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating
very long, after some careful consideration, he decided
that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just
the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went
to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely
white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping,
buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was
wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave
the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for
the young man.

The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent
it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find
his enclosed note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it
had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the
long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short
ones she wears that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them
from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the
past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her
try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first
time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact
with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them

before putting them away, as they will naturally be
a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during
the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me
on Friday night. All my love. (P.S... The latest
style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing!

There were three boys all in third grade: a short boy,
a tall boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of
games to play at recess when the short boy got an idea.

"I know," he said, "we can play, Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee?.

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the tall boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside.
"Alright," said the short boy, "Lets play."

The short boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee wins
5 dollars
from the others. And so the short boy pulled down his pants
and the other two boys were impressed. Then the tall boy
pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size
as the short boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee?
and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied,
"No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

Who Is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know
Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now
respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,
a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers
in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned
from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,
" you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Elly Sue fell in love,
And she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it
And she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Elly, hon,
Ya'll have to find another...
I'd just as soon ya maw don't know,
But Joe is yo' half-brother."

So Elly said so long to Joe
And went to marry Will.
But, when she told her pappy this,
He said "That's trouble still!"

"You cain't marry Will, young gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother,
Cause Will and Joe and Bubba too,
They all is yo' half-brother!"

But she went to Maw, who smiled and said,
"Hon, you do what makes you happy.
You kin marry Will or marry Joe,
Cause you ain't no kin to Pappy!!!"

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it is H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct! Now, class, who discovered America? Class: "GEORGE!"

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?>
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen, Always say, "I am.
ELLEN: All right..."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why
his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
STUDENT: A teacher.

SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER; I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John
and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did'
take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did
not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the
fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature
had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway,
she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over
the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling
faster than he ever had before, he became very excited
and lost control of the car. He veered off the road,
went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend
was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him
free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get hlep," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,"
he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman
along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and
I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her
legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far,

I'm afraid he'a a goner!"

A little boy and girl were walking along a trail in
the woods. The little girl noticed that some of the
animals were behaving oddly.

"Little boy, why is that rabbit on top that other one"?
she asked. The little boys stops to consider his answer,
and replies, "they're making cigaretts". "Cigaretts"! she
says, as they countinue walking along.

Pretty soon they approach a couple of racoons. The
little girl asked, "are they making cigaretts
too"? "Yea" says the Little boy. The little girl looks
around and says "It looks like all the animals are
making cigaretts". " Why don't we make cigaretts", she asked.

A short time latter the little boy and the little girl
were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little
boy, what kinda cigaretts did we make"? The little boy
stops to think about his answer, then replies,"Well if
you get a hump in your belly it's a Cammel, and if you
don't it's a Lucky Strike".

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils,
pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides
a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name
is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
again catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again
and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car,
runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and
as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin,
it's winter in Toronto and I'm driving
the SALT TRUCK!"

Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down
or Leaves You Hanging
Makes You Look Better And
Always Close To Your Heart!!!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God!
I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put
it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Wile I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started
honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving ad smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw
another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian
good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
tat they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had
shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and
gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

An extremely modest man

was in the hospital for a series of tests.

The last test had left his system upset.

For hours he made several false-alarm trips to the bathroom.

Finally giving up on going, he decided his latest urge to go
to the bathroom was just another false alarm, so he stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea!

He was SOOOO embarrassed!

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up
the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

As luck would have it, a drunk was walking by the hospital.

Suddenly, the sheets landed on him! He started yelling,
cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets
in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring
down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole
incident walked up and asked,

"What in the world was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

You Might Be A Redneck

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the last three words of the national
anthem is 'start your engines.'

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the stock market has fence around it.

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the
dump and bring back more than you took.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids
it's a water park.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the
grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
'Hey y'all... Watch this!'

When Disaster Strikes

Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.
Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.
How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming
destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the
slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing
the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn
across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost
fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At
least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did.
He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was
some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and
wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son.
"Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed,

"and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

Adam and Eve

After spending time with Eve,
Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.

Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord,
and I don't want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

Hey Sexy!
I know I haven't known you very long, and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and cming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now, that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice util i's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so...
Can you give me a piece of gum?

The Useless Boob

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts.
He then asked the woman, "Is there anything
you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third
breast in her hand," What can be done
with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

If You See A Naked Lady...

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they
stumbled upon a naked woman frolicking in the water. After
a few moments one of the boys turned and ran away.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took
off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked,
"It was interesting man, why did you run away?"

The other boy replied, "My Mom told me if I ever saw a naked
lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something turning to stone, so I ran."

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a
see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched
a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother
is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She
explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweet. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening!!

I've never met this person...but I reeeeally, reeeally like them!

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back,
the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."